Here at my mom's, we were looking through their closets at some old stuff and we found my First Communion dress. Of course Emma wanted to try it on. It came down to my knees when I was seven, but reaches the floor on her and, since it's all ruffly and sparkly, she of course nabbed it for herself. She's been wearing it ever since, and I'm certain she will wear it for the entire ski trip. She will defninitely be the most ridiculously over-dressed person in the ski lodge! I can't post pics now, but will when we get back home.

I've been worrying about how Emma will deal with the new baby and how my relationship with her will change. Someone in my birth club on MDC posted this poem, and it made me cry when I read it (although what doesn't these days?).

As I hold your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical
relationship, I suddenly feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that
our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me,
as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and
feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her.
-- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new
routine.

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we
two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch
each other.
I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given
something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of
you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally
strong.

And my question is finally answered,
to my amazement..
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you-- only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll
never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you
-- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

~author unknown

Little Miss Explosive is doing much better. She's still a tad cranky, but other than that she's fine. Thank goodness!

Emma and I were planning on going to my mom's on Friday for our annual ski trip. Of course, I won't be doing any skiing this year, but am still looking forward to hanging out with my family, playing lots of games, and hopefully lots of knitting. My brother who lives in Oregon is coming in on Friday and I'm excited to see him as well. Anyway, we were planning on going Friday, but Steve is going to be working past midnight all this week, so Emma and I are leaving tomorrow instead of just hanging out here all by ourselves until Friday.

Last night I finished knitting this soaker,



















and here is a picture of the old belly, taken yesterday at 29 weeks. Right after I took this picture, Emma was laying on my lap and the baby was kicking a lot. I didn't realize she could feel it until she said, "Will you tell your tummy to stop bumping me, please?"

We are not doing well here. I am worried that Emma has the dreaded rotavirus. She hasn't eaten a single thing since Friday night, yet is somehow still throwing up. She even refuses to eat ice cream. Her temperature has been between 101 and 102 consistently since Friday night. Today we went to Target to get some Pedialyte, and in the fifteen minutes we were there she exploded out of her diaper, and then threw up all over herself, me, and the checkout aisle. On the way home and for about thirty minutes after we got home, she was writhing around in pain and screaming that her tummy was hurting her. I felt so helpless and horrible for her. Then, suddenly, she got up out of bed and walked into the living room, which was odd considering she hasn't stopped hanging on me for the last two days. She crawled up on the couch and looked like she was going to fall asleep. (Just an aside - we got new couches last week, and had sheets over them to keep them protected. Yesterday she threw up on one of them so I pulled the sheet off to wash it. I was a little nervous about her laying on the new couch with no sheet, but I would have been so relieved if she had gone to sleep so I let her go.) A minute later we looked at her and she was laying in a large pool of the nastiest nastiest nastiest poop I have ever seen. Her diaper and clothes didn't even come close to containing it. (So much for keeping the couches nice.) We gave her a bath, and she has been sleeping ever since then. This is no fun. I just want her to get better.

Ugggg. It is 3:14 a.m. and I am so tired I can barely think. Tonight we were all exhausted so we were in bed and asleep by 9:30. Emma, who seemed perfectly fine before going to bed, woke us up an hour later by throwing up what seemed like gallons of vomit - all over herself, me, the sheets and comforter, and two of the three pillows in the bed. Fun. We gave her a bath and pulled off the sheets and everything, but the mattress was too wet to go back to bed there. We got out all our blankets and made a bed on the floor in the living room. We slept there for awhile, although I didn't sleep much because every time I heard a little tummy gurgle or hiccup, I jumped up to put a bowl in front of Emma's mouth so she wouldn't puke all over us again. She did throw up again, in the bowl - whew! - and afterwards wanted to come back here and "nurse pillow", which means I am sitting here at the computer while this poor pukey-smelling, crusty-haired kid sleeps fitfully on my lap. She hasn't thrown up since she was about ten months old, so I guess we were due, but still. I suspect tomorrow is not going to be a fun day.

In our house, there is no getting any privacy for anything. If Emma finds the bathroom door locked, she can grab a coin out of our change bucket and unlock the door in seconds, barging in on whoever might have been trying to relish a minute or two of privacy. When my mom was here last week, she told Emma she was having peace while she took a bath, and asked Emma not to come in. It must have had an impact on her because yesterday I found the bathroom door locked and I knew Emma was inside. Through the door, I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Go away, please. I'm doing peace!" Then, a few minutes ago, she told me she wanted to do peace so would I please make a bath for her and then leave her alone. Right now she is calling me from the bathtub, saying, "Mommy! I'm finished doing peace! Now I'm just taking a regular bath so come back in here!"

More cuteness...last night she was asking if Steve was going to be home for dinner. I told her sadly that he wasn't because he had to work late again. She threw up her hands and said incredulously, "Doesn't that guy ever get hungry?"

She is starting to pronounce her "l" and "th" sounds and that makes me a little sad. Obviously it wouldn't be good if she never learned them, but it makes me sad because she talks so cutely now and I don't want her to be growing up so fast. Last night she was peeling garlic for me and actually calling it "garlic" instead of gar-ic and she now says "other" instead of uh-er. Sigh.

Man, I so don't want to go anywhere today. Unfortunately, we have no food in the house and will likely starve if I don't go outside and dig my car out from under the snow and ice so we can go to the store. Did I forget to mention that it's three degrees outside? Yes, that's right - three. Brrrrr!

So, two nights ago we tried the plan of putting the dogs in the crate when we went to bed. As I expected, they cried and barked pitifully. I felt terrible listening to them be so sad, and Steve said he thought I was being cruel but that it was up to me. Their cries were really tearing me up inside. This is why I will never be one of those parents who let their kids cry themselves to sleep. I just can't handle the sadness. So, after about thirty minutes of nonstop crying and barking, I went and let them out. They were SO happy, and they jumped in bed with us and kissed and cuddled and I think we were all glad that they were with us again. So, that didn't work, but I am feeling better about them being there. Not really sure why, but I do and I guess that's all that matters.

Yesterday I finished knitting these longies for the new guy.

I have a friend who actually trains dogs for shows and stuff, and, after reading my last post, she emailed me with some advice. Now I'm inspired to work with our dogs, no matter how much they will hate it, so that we can all co-exist peacefully. If I don't do this I'm afraid Steve will come home from work one day to find that I have murdered them in a fit of cold-blooded rage. Okay, maybe not, but still. Steve doesn't think there is a problem, so I had to sit him down and make a point that while he doesn't have to help me, I do need him to back me up and not sneak them food under the table or invite them up on the bed after I'm asleep. So, here are my goals:

1 - No chewing tissues. Yesterday I went to Target and bought several trash cans with those flippy tops to replace our other trash cans. Now the dogs can no longer reach in them and drag out tissues. Problem solved.

2 - No sleeping with us. I brought up the crate from the basement and am going to start putting them in there at night. That crate was used for all of about five minutes when Jose was brand new. We put him in there once, he cried that sweet little puppy cry, and we took him out. So, five years later, after never spending another second in there, I know they are going to flip out when I put them in there. I know they will bark all night, but at some point they just have to accept it, right? Maybe a week from now? Two weeks?

3 - No jumping on and climbing all over visitors - same solution as No. 2. If someone is coming over, they will go in the crate. If, at some point, I can teach them to control themselves, they can stay out.

4 - No stealing food. This will be the hardest one. I got two choke chains, and a bunch of special treats, and we're going to work on being around food that isn't theirs and actually not taking it. I am certainly no dog training expert, so I guess we'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck!

Let's see, what else...oh yeah, here is the hat I knitted for Emma out of the yarn we dyed the other day.

I really don't like our dogs anymore. :( I feel awful for saying this, but I wish we could get rid of them. I'm so tired of picking up all the Kleenex they have dragged out of the trash and chewed everywhere. I just swept our bedroom and the office this morning, and now both rooms are already covered with nasty chewed Kleenex. We have scrapbooking stuff all over our kitchen table, so Emma and I have been eating on overturned laundry baskets in the living room. Today I gave her a plate with a grilled cheese sandwish and half a clementine. She got up for mere seconds to show me how she could hop like a kangaroo, and Pax rushed in and ate her entire sandwich in one gulp. In doing so he flipped the plate and the clementine pieces fell on the floor, where Jose immediately snatched them up. I would never, ever kick a dog, but today I really had the urge to do it. They steal her food all the bloody time and I'm so, so sick of making things twice. I try to not be mean to them, because I don't want Emma to be mean to them of course, but she is picking up on my attitude towards them. Today Jose rang the bell to go out and Emma yelled, "Stop it! You just went out!" Then later Pax was just sitting on the couch and Emma walked by him and said, "Ugh! Pax is so annoying to me!" I am feeling pretty sad about this, especially because I used to adore those dogs so much. I don't know if they just got way more annoying, or if I'm more intolerant. I suspect the latter. For example, Pax has always slept on my pillow at night. Now I'm having a hard time sleeping, and having to wake up and shoo him off my pillow eleventy million times a night because I can't get comfortable with him there is about to push me over the egde. Catch on, dude! I don't want you sleeping on my pillow anymore!!! Bloody just sleep at the bottom of the bed!!!

So remember that yarn that I ruined? Two of the three skeins actually turned out okay. The one on the right was supposed to be earthy oranges and reds, so you can see how far off the colors are, but Emma loves it so I will use it to knit something for her. The other one was supposed to be darker, definitely not so neon, but I can still use it.

Steve got home from Chicago late last night. He is planning on working all weekend, of course, but we're supposed to get lots of bad weather so hopefully I can talk him into working from home.

Emma and I spent the better part of this afternoon dying yarn, and I am really frustrated about it. The color didn't take at all, and because I know that I've used this same dye before and ended up with actual, vivid colors, I kept doing more and now I probably completely wasted three skeins of yarn. My hands are now a nasty brownish, greenish, blueish color so I know the dye was working...it just wasn't working on the yarn. Grrrrr.

Today my midwife was over here and I showed her the diapers I've sewed so far for the baby - because who doesn't love looking at cloth diapers? She said that, in addition to her regular home visits, she has recently opened up an office and has things for sale there such as slings, pregnancy tea, and handmade items. She asked if I would sew some diapers to sell at her office, and suggested I do ten of them before the baby comes. I thought it was pretty exciting that she thought my diapers were good enough to actually market somewhere, but I decided not to do it. I could probably sell them for $15 each, and if I factor in the materials and time (each one takes me about an hour), I'd probably only make about $8 or $9 off each one. That's not such good pay by itself, but considering I can only do them when Emma's asleep, it's totally not worth it. Those hours when she is sleeping are much more valuable to me than that.

Emma and I also spent a lot of time scrapbooking today. She is making her own book, and is really getting into it. She's almost filled up an entire notebook with pictures, drawings, stickers, etc., in just a few days. Here is she working diligently













and here she is critiquing her work.













And, here is a picture of her in her new favorite outfit. A mama in my AP group gave me some maternity clothes, and Emma nabbed this shirt for herself. She's been wearing it for the last two days, and I'm sure I'll be seeing plenty more of it until she finds something else that she deems "fancy" enough for her.

I have been crazy busy lately. Or at least I feel like I am/should be, but am not accomplishing much. There is hope, because my parents are visiting this weekend and my mom is staying until Wednesday! I am so excited. She will be able to keep Emma busy while I clean, organize, sew, scrapbook, and all the other things I want to do before the baby comes.

More good news...a mom in my AP group said she had some newborn and small diaper covers to give away. I went to get them and check this out!













She gave me 37 - yes, that's right, THIRTY-SEVEN - covers that are all in great condition! I am SO stoked about this!

Instead of complaining about the little girl who always tells me before she pees or poops but refuses to sit on the potty to do so, I will just post a cute picture of her. She got a giftcard to Build-A-Bear for Christmas, and last weekend we went and let her pick out a bear and an outfit and some shoes for it. Steve and I decided the place was a huge scam designed to get people to pay $40+ for a stuffed animal, but she really loves her bear. She named her Charlotte and has been taking her everywhere we go.